Can anyone agree with me that no class teaches you enough about your postpartum mind and body before it all happens? I really wish I would have been prepared for what I went through during the 4th trimester.
I was sixteen years old when I had my daughter. During my teen pregnancy, I had a lot of problems with the father of my child, which led me to have poor mental health and severe anxiety. After I had my baby – just like anyone – all I was at first was sleep-deprived and sore, the recovery was very painful both physically and mentally. Nobody told me I was going to have to take thirty minutes in the bathroom just for the process of changing my pad, nobody told me I was going to get crippling anxiety attacks where I would feel alone and trapped for no reason, the start of the postpartum stage was very difficult for me because the father of my child gave me no support.
I was very happy with my new baby, I had a good bond with her and I was getting the hang of motherhood. I wasn’t diagnosed with postpartum depression until Evie, my daughter, was about six weeks old, I had gotten to a breaking point, this is when I figured out that no matter what age they are, kids push you to your limits. I started to have zero motivation to do anything, I couldn’t even get myself to clean my room, which I would normally do every day. I began to hate nursing, I quit during the day and only nursed at night, which I still hated.
There were (and still are) days where I couldn’t even brush my teeth or hair, or take a shower. I would get up, bathe, feed Evie and she and I would go back to sleep, which is okay, but wasn’t how I wanted things to be. On top of the fact that I was still a kid, postpartum depression made me realize the dark side of motherhood. It made me realize that they call it “crippling depression” because it feels crippling, it hits you hard and you immediately want to fall down.
It feels like ever since I had a baby, my life has consisted of constantly wanting to get away from my daughter and then feeling guilty about that which is awful. Motherhood is so indescribably difficult because you are constantly, constantly needed, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy and proud to be a momma to that beautiful girl, but sometimes I get tired and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimes she likes to crawl out the doggy door, eat dog food, hit the dog, climb things and so on. It feels like a never-ending cycle of exhaustion and guilt, it feels like a repetitive cage and repetition is hard for me.
I am now eighteen years old and I still have postpartum depression. Some days are extremely difficult, but on those days there is always something little that makes me smile. For example, today was hard, but then I put Evie on the toilet and she went pee for the very first time! It’s very small but it made me so happy and so proud of her. Afterward, we went to Target together and she smiled, waved, and said hi to everyone she saw, this made me forget about my worries. My daughter is somehow the one highlight and dread to my PPD, she is my whole world.
Even though having a baby is extra hard for me, I’m very happy with the decision I made to keep her. Nothing is more important to me than watching her grow as a happy, healthy child and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
