I recently became a mother of three and have always had no difficulty with breastfeeding. This isn’t the reality for my sister, who is also my best friend and a new mom to my perfect three-month-old niece.
My sister was very specific about what she wanted for her baby before she arrived, making sure that everything was perfect and doing everything she could to make it all a reality – breastfeeding was at the top of that list, which is not to say there is anything wrong with formula feeding, but it was her preference.
After giving birth, she attempted to breastfeed, but her milk production was and continues to be very low. She has seen a doctor, lactation consultants, and tried various supplements and diets, but nothing has worked.
She has concluded that this part of her motherhood journey was not meant to be and stopped trying altogether. However, I notice how much she blames herself for not being able to breastfeed and tries to hide her emotions. It isn’t about the actual breastfeeding but rather that she wanted her baby to be fed breastmilk exclusively for as long as possible. I have tried encouraging her, but that doesn’t seem to be helping much.
She works full-time, while I am a stay-at-home mom with a live-in nanny. Because she only had 60 days of maternity leave, she returned to work and drops her baby in my home which can be insanely chaotic with four kids and two babies under one, but I am always happy to be there for her.
My youngest is 8 months old, and I still nurse her, plus I have an oversupply of breastmilk. I wanted to help my sister in any way I could, so I started breastfeeding her baby while I cared for her at home or gave her my refrigerated breast milk.
The problem is that my sister is unaware of this, and while I would like to tell her, I am concerned that she may be strongly opposed to it and will no longer trust me with her baby. I, on the other hand, would be grateful if the tables turned and she was breastfeeding my child but I realize that this is how “I” would feel and shouldn’t expect that from her.
I do not have any weird reasons for doing this; I only wanted to be able to give her what she wanted most for her baby, even if it meant she was unaware of it. I have, however, stopped breastfeeding and am only giving her my stored breastmilk. But I’ve been in a state of guilt and confusion over whether what I’ve done and continue to do is okay, if I’m completely wrong and ought to stop everything without her knowledge, or if I should tell her and risk losing her trust.
The truth is, I’m not sure how she’ll take it, but it’s eating me up.
Signed – Anonymous P.
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23 comments
I breast Fed both of my girls and the bond that is created is immeasurable. So the fact that you breast fed a baby that is not yours makes my stomach turn. It also brings up the question of if you are trustworthy in other areas of child care as your decision making is obviously questionable at best.
Please do not tell her.
Obviously, i think you know, this is very wrong and you Overstepped big time. breastfeeding is so personal and you not only took your sisters choice away but you also craeted a bond with your niece your sister can never have which is Unforgivable .
What you can do now is to ask her if you can give her your oversupply via bottle and see how she reacts.
If she agrees then do that.
I assume you have a bad Conscience but suck it up and deal with that without hurting your sister more.
If you would come clean it would create a rift that might never be fixed again.
So deal with the shame yourself and live with it. Don’t drag your sister down more. Sorry but this is very wrong and i think you know it since you stopped directly breatsfeeding her. It feels like you are trying to justify it but you know you made a huge mistake. We all do at times, its just your time now to face it, dont sugercoat it and deal with it. Just yourself, dont make it harder for your sister.
I CANNOT believe the comments here. Your all very mean. You shouldn’t be telling someone they are wrong for trying to help fulfill one’s wishes. She should def have a convo with HER SISTER. Honestly if your close with your sister you should already know how she would feel. I don’t think you would do anything malicIously to hurt her. Your her sister so should know how she would feel. You can bring it up jokingly and see how that goes and take it from there, if you don’t know how to go about it. But honestly everyone needs to stop being so mean in these comments. If your a mom you should be ashamed of yourself to bring someone down like that. And if you don’t have any kids respectfully be quite.
With no judgement, iMHO, this is not ok.
I was not able to breastfeed my daughter and if I ever found out it was being done behind my back, i would’ve lost it.
Please note it is the behind the back that’s the issue, not the breastfeeding itself. The choice should be the mother’s, not the aunt’s.
Also, with reference to the comment above about the commenter’s step child having Eczema as result of being formula fed… please don’t make such unfounded comments. My daughter was formula fed. She’s almost 3 and has never been on antibiotics, or had any major allergies or health issues.
From a mother of 2 although i have been very lucky on my breastfeeding journey, i believe the main difficulty here is not the breastmilk but the breast feeding, this is such a precious, personal bonding experience between Mother and baby, developing this bond with your niece without your sisters consent whilst knowing your Sister could not have this bond with her own baby may be unforgivable. Breastfeeding your niece could have been more harmful emotionally on her than her just not having the benefits of breast milk. Offering your sister your oversupply of breast milk for her to feed her baby with a bottle would have been Completely different and a very loving suggestion from a loving sister. I believe to set this right you must tell the truth and explain your reasons for doing this without speaking with her first if you are Completely truthful and to yourself for your reasons and lovingly respecting whatever your sisters reaction may be i think forgiveness and trust will stay. Sending you and your sister love and kindness on this journey.
This is completely unacceptable. Someone breastfed my child without my consent, so speaking as someone who has had this happen to personally, while your intentions are caring, you have crossed a major boundary that should have never been crossed.
I echo the comments above that you took away her right to choose. Breast milk is a blood product. So think of it this way, would you want any of your kids receiving a blood product without your consent?
This is a super tricky situation. Although your intentions are pure, this could be something that causes an unforgiveable and unmendable rift in your relationship. I wouldnt tell your sister youve been feeding her baby but rather offer to pump/give frozen breastmilk. Yes you will feel the guilt but this is to spare your sister’s feelings, not to be deceitful. You have overstepped massively but you coming clean might hurt your sister more.
I have 4 children that I care for, two of which i birthed and two of which i did not. I have seen firsthand the immeasurable difference breastmilk milk can make for a baby’s health. My step son was Not breastfed and has struggled with eczema and every food allergy under the sun. As an infant his ears and face and arms and belly would become inflamed and scab over, he has had awful allergic reactions to almost all the trigger foods, he is constantly sick, suffered with constipation as a baby… he has suffered so much. The mom wanted to drink and smoke instead of prioritize nursing (fed is best, to each their own) but it is undeniably clear that breastmilk provides the most health and nutritional value… if i were you, i would tell her. It is very clear that you had only her and her baby’s best interest in mind and very loving intentions, i think she would probably be grateful and if you are caring for her baby it adds an entire level of convenience for you in breastfeeding and not having to prepare bottles, it is also so bonding for you, her baby, and your baby all together. I think it is beautiful. It takes a village, you are hers. And transparency is always the best bet. Sooner than later. I think the only thing she would have to be upset about would be the secrecy, though there was no illinte. What a wonderful mama you are.
I have 4 children that I care for, two of which i birthed and two of which i did not. I have seen firsthand the immeasurable difference breastmilk milk can make for a baby’s health. My step son was Not breastfed and has struggled with eczema and every food allergy under the son. As an infant his ears and face and arms and belly would become inflamed and scab over, he has had awful allergic reactions to almost all the trigger foods, he is constantly sick, suffered with constipation as a baby… he has suffered so much. The mom wanted to drink and smoke instead of prioritize nursing (fed is best, to each their own) but it is undeniably clear that breastmilk provides the most health and nutritional value… if i were you, i would tell her. It is very clear that you had only her and her baby’s best interest in mind and very loving intentions, i think she would probably be grateful and if you are caring for her baby it adds an entire level of convenience for you in breastfeeding and not having to prepare bottles, it is also so bonding for you, her baby, and your baby all together. I think it is beautiful. It takes a village, you are hers. And transparency is always the best bet. What a wonderful mama you are.
Your intentions and the merits of Breastfeeding are not the issue here. The issue is that you took away your sister’s right to make a decision For her child, when you decided to breastfeed Your niece without asking your sister first. Your conscience is telling you that was wrong. To make it right, you have to give that decision back to her. I would own my mistake and come clean with her. Tell her Although what I did came from love, it should have Been her choice and I took it away, and that was wrong. Then give her the chance to make that decision as she should. The right thing to do would be to respect any decision she makes as a mother and your sister. Only then can you move on from this, otherwise the guilt will continue to eat away at you.
I was not blessed with a sister so I can only imagine what I would do. But I would definitely try my best to cherish such a relationship by doing the right thing. God bless.
My sister had to do this for our cousin, but she did it because she would leave her daughter that was the same age as my niece for hours on end and the baby would run out of the breastmilk our cousin left. She was so hungry so she did it. So I understand your intentions, and let’s be honest breastmilk is so much better for babies. But you should talk to her about it immediately. Be honest and ask if she minds if you continue? It sounds like you love them more than you can even explain and I think in the end your sister will understand.
I cannot believe the amount of people here telling you to lie and not tell her the truth. You have this guilt already, and this will eat away at you! Also, she deserves to know the truth! THIS IS HER BABY! not only are there so many health benefits to breastfeeding, but the baby has such a connection and bond whilst breastfeeding. Your sister may notice a change etc in her baby,and not understand why. You need to tell her the truth, and deal with however she chooses to respond . I’m sure she will forgive you in time, but best to tell her now,then wait years and let it come out . She’s your sister, she loves you, please tell her the truth. God bless
This is weird. Just offer to pump and guve her breast milk that way if she agrees but this is not ok to do behind her back
I agree with the majority of comments above – while intentions are good, it is not your right to breastfeed your niece without your sister’s consent. And like others commented, you feel guilty because you know it’s Wrong and a violation of the trust between you and your sister. She is the mother of her daughter and gets to make decisions on her care. If tables were turned I don’t Think you would feel ok with someone doing something for your children (good or bad) behind your back.
This is a tough one. As a mother who Desperately wanted to breastfeed my child but struggled. It was a very emotional Journey. My daughter is now five and i try not to take myself back to that pain but its Difficult.I didnt grow up with a sister and i dont know your bond so i couldnt say how she would feel. It would kill me to think it would pain her but it may. Best Circumstance, shes happy. Personal, i think you need to tread Lightly, idk if keeping this Secret is the best but telling her may not be best either. Have you tried offering your milk? Maybe see how she responds. I know in the years before formula villages would gather together and help mothers who Couldn’t produce and i feel this is no different. But we live in different times and the pressUres of motherhood is not easy.
I would Definitely stop and not say anything to your sister about it. I am sure your intentions were good and i can understand trying to help but if someone breastfed my babies because i was unable to, especially without asking me, i would be furious. as my sister i would feel betrayed. For the sake of your relationship i would not tell her.
I think what you did is beautiful and so good for the baby!
I understand you and would have been tempted to do the same knowing all the benefits. I would tell my sister if i were you, and ask her if she would be Comfortable if you would keep doing it.
Good luck!
Honestly to keep your relationship with your sister dont tell her… but also DONT beat yourseld up, its done. You stopped.
Maybe ask her if you can offer b.milk in bottle form.
But I’m a breastfeeding mama all together nearly 4 years. So I get your intentions. If I was in a position to b.feed a foster child I would def. But not my sister.
Again no judgement AT ALL!!
Good luck. And don’t let the guilt eat at you!!
You cant breastfeed Someone’s elses child without Their knowledge. The reason you feel guilty is because it is wrong even if it is your sisters baby. I am a breastfeeding mother to my two yo and support everything about beastfeeding yet this would completely ruin any trust i had in you. How confusing for the poor baby too.
I think your intentions were pure but i think you crossed a boundary. Breast feeding is a huge bonding moment that is for the mother and baby unless other wise discussed. I could not breastfeed my boys bc i did not Produce milk and that is Something i had to work on in myself but i would not want my baby latching on to my sisters breast. I dont
Think you should beat yourself up over it but definitely take a step back, bottle breast milk is fine. No judgement, we make the best decisions in life and i dont Believe you had ill intent! Xxoo
I dont see it right . I see the goo intention but not your child and you should of asked before doing anything . I would of been very upset and probly not trust you again with my baby but dont get me wrong i see your side too but violating trust and rights is never ok . Tell her .!!!!
mayb you should try suggesting it and see how she would react and if she was okay with it i think just dont tell her that you were already breastfeeding and if she was not okay then you must open up somehow.
While The Intentions Are Good, This Seems Like A Huge Violation Of Not Only Your Sisters Trust, But Her Right As A Mother To Make Choices For Her Own Child. If You Had Offered This Option And She Accepted, That Would Be Totally Different. Just Because You Would Be Happy That Someone Did This For You, Doesnt Mean She Would. And Not Giving Her The Opportunity To Make That Decision For Her Daughter Is Upsetting. Whether It Be Breastfeeding, Offering Solids, Screen Time, Etc. Making A Big Developmental Decision Like That For Someone Elses Child Should Always Be Discussed With The Parents. I Do Understand You Have The Best Intentions, But It Feels Like Something You Need To Tell Her.