My Parents are terrible Grandparents part 2

Dear Mamas,

It’s me again. Firstly I want to thank this community for their support and encouraging words. I learned a lot from you all and knowing my brother and I are not alone gave me so much peace. Almost a year after I shared my story about my parents and their reluctance to be grandparents, I’m back with an update: things have gotten exponentially worse.

I had my third baby and he’s perfect in every way. And my parents have never spent a day with him. They were wonderful throughout my pregnancy, I felt celebrated and cared for. But after the baby arrived, it was a stark reminder that they’re the rich grandparents who buy fancy presents but have no pictures of their grandchildren that haven’t been sent to them by us. They don’t have any stories about their grandchildren that haven’t been told to them. There is no connection at all. My children love them because they know they will get fancy gifts and treats every time they see them, but they won’t get to bake cookies or play football or have a sleepover like other children do.

I have to emphasize that we do not require my parents help for matters of childcare at all. We pay for childcare services and never ask for anything. I do not feel entitled to my parents time for child care at all, I just want them to know my children. I wanted to make this clear because there were some comments last time telling me not to have expectations of my parents and that my children are my responsibility at the end of the day. I understand this deeply, trust me. I also want to add that my parents are in the best shape of their lives. They have no chronic illnesses and are on a strict regimen that keeps them fit and healthy. I would never have unreasonable expectations of elderly grandparents.

Anyway, I finally told my parents how I feel and I went about it the worst possible way: text.

Before you jump me, please hear me out! I come from a family where we spoke about our feelings very candidly, so in theory I should’ve sat them down and had it out with them in a constructive conversation. But throughout the years I’ve become less vocal, because my feelings are often interpreted as disrespect and the gaslighting has become worse over time.

I’ll give you an example. About 2 years ago I had a nanny who absconded from work suddenly. I had a panic attack because my husband and I had to go to work and the kids were on a mid-term break so the timing could not have been worse. I could’ve taken my kids to my brother, but it would’ve added another 2 hours to our commute because of peak time traffic and throw the entire household out of balance. I couldn’t reasonably ask my parents to help either because they also work full time.

I was telling my mother all this and said “it’s just stressful because I don’t have a support system outside of what I pay for” and my mother took this as a personal attack. She said it was my fault for moving to another part of town so she can’t help us.

I was gob smacked because the reality is that even when I lived around the corner she didn’t help. The entire conversation changed from my feelings of panic to her feelings of being personally offended. So I was trying to avoid that happening again.

My mother hasn’t responded to my text and my father said he would call me in a few days. He said he understands where I’m coming from, which is very encouraging, but that the text was not the right way to go about it.

He’s right, but I have reached the point where I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to have a discussion, just for them to gaslight me and turn the situation around. I just want them to make time on their social calendar for my children and I’ll accept nothing less.

I’m considering removing them from my will as caretakers if my husband and I die. I used to have my brother and his wife as their guardians, but after their second child I thought it would be burdensome for them. Now I feel like a serious conversation needs to be had about the future of the family.

Am I taking it too far? Should I give my parents a chance? Should I give up and accept that they will never have a relationship with my children or should I fight for it? I know the way I went about things is wrong, but I don’t think it should invalidate the issue. I love my parents as my parents, but as grandparents I just can’t stand them.