When you are pregnant no one really goes into much detail about how having a baby will affect your life; how hard it will actually be. Or maybe they do, and you simply choose not to listen! One thing that I was completely oblivious to was the effect it would have on my marriage, especially because we were closer than ever after our successful IVF journey. I can honestly say that there were moments when I truly wasn’t sure that we would stay married.
I have always loved my husband wholeheartedly, obsessively even but when our son was born I loved him with my entire being instantly. As every new mom does, I spent literally every waking (and not so waking) moment with him. It was this that my husband just didn’t know how to handle. Not only had he lost me to someone else but he felt useless as a father because our son only wanted me.
Dad’s time to shine was bath time. It was a task given to him that to this day he continues to do. However, when our son was little and we were still bathing him in a tiny plastic bathtub placed on the kitchen bench, he would SCREAM like a little dying goat when bath time was over. It made it so difficult for my husband to dress him as he flailed around and almost every night it ended with a gruff husband who resented the fact that our son was denying him a happy moment of real bonding.
This resentment was easy to see and hard to deal with. I felt like my poor innocent little boy needed to be shown an over abundance of love from me, to counteract the negative energies coming from his father at the time and so the circle continued. I would shower him with attention, ultimately leaving my husband by the wayside, he would get gruff, I would spend more time with our son, my husband would try to play with him and he’d want me… SIGH!
During this period of our marriage, there was either no communication, or communications that easily escalated to fights because like a volcano, the emotions we were keeping to ourselves erupted when someone finally questioned our actions. Looking back now, I see that he was constantly trying to ask me to let him back in, to allow him the time he needed with me and our son.
At the time I just did not see how that was possible with all that I had on my plate. I had a stage-five clinger of a baby, who during the day slept in my arms, not in his bassinet. (Yes, I know, this was a bad habit that I was doing nothing about rectifying). During the nights I would be up 6-8 times feeding and trying to settle him – No, my husband was not normally involved in our nocturnal activities. Alongside the nocturnal activities, I tried to keep the fridge stocked with food, the clothes clean and do a plethora of other mundane duties that stay-at-home moms have the pleasure of being tasked with!
I was EXHAUSTED. If I am being real and baring all with you, I did not feel in the least bit sexy! I think this is the part that effectively killed my relationship with my husband. He wanted to “be” with me, and I literally did not want any part of it. I loved (still do) my husband very much but at that time the thought of him wanting to caress my son’s milk jugs was disturbing. I don’t know how to explain it any better, even all these years later!
While speaking with a therapist one day I skipped over my non-existent but still complicated sex life and tried to explain my overprotective actions – she equated me to a lion mom. I was fiercely loyal and protective of my pride and was not afraid to bear my teeth to those threatening to disrupt the world around us. Unfortunately, during this time, I was only protecting my son, and it was my husband that I was constantly growling at.
From this simple analogy I was able to understand my emotions and I worked hard to step away when I was angry or communicate when I needed to. It didn’t always work and it took a long time to adjust back to being a mom and a wife. I think it was just the sharing and the understanding that I received that helped the most. I am in no way saying that I was always the one in the wrong (gosh, what women would?!) but I did learn (not so quickly) that if I was going to co-parent, not solo parent, I needed to let my husband back in. I realised that if I was always taking control he would never feel confident in helping out with our son, or with things around the house.
Have you been able to successfully share the load with your partner?
Have you openly discussed your relationship and any changes you might need to make now that you have another vying for your attention?
Or have you, like me, inadvertently pushed your partner away?
I would love to hear your stories, so please share! Even when you think you are all alone, sharing our stories in a forum like this will hopefully comfort another. It is hard, but please know you’ve got this!
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3 comments
Exceptional post however I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Bless you!
Omg, yes! We have a 2 year old son and had our daughter in May. This time around, my boyfriend was able to be around a lot more and was a HUGE help. I feel like since ive been EBF my daughter she got used to me more, and i started to get really stingy with her. Sometimes she would scream her head off with him and i would get frustrated and just take over, even if i was just crying with her, so that my Boyfriend would also have a break. It Wasn’t until he had to go back to work That the baby just got used to me caring for her pretty much all the time. Now, once he’s home he takes over With caring for my son. I was EXHAUSTED. My boyfriend’s sex drive can be kinda Up there, so i felt a little bad but i knew he understood i was tired and overwhelmed at times. However, we’ve been having sex problems for a while even though we were still sexually active with each other. We’re now doing couples counseling and it’s been helping Tremendously. I have more hope for our Relationship now.
You are amazing. He is amazing. It’s all about figuring out how to do it together!!
I’m so glad that you’ve taken the step to talk to someone, and even to post here. The next mum feeling like she is struggling and can’t keep up Will appreciate your words, knowing that it’s not just her. So from her, thank you!
~ Bec x