Maybe you remember a time back in grade school when you got sent to the principles office? You were nervous, you felt a bit sick, and you really couldn’t predict just how much trouble was to come? Sounds a bit like finding out your pregnant right? Well this was true for me anyways.
It is also possible you were a goodie two shoes in school and you have no idea what I am talking about. If you were the later, no problem, but read on and live vicariously 😉
My ‘free spirited’ nature dates back to a very early age, so I was no stranger to the principals office and the unmistakable nauseous pit in your stomach that formed during the long slow walk to ‘the office’. I also discovered early on in my childhood that the only thing which seemed to make the impending doom any easier was when your bestie was also hauled in for the same crime. Just knowing your buddy was there with you, and they too would have to deal with the ‘fall out’ of your questionable behavior somehow made the whole thing much much easier to swallow.
Well being 32 and all grown up (of course) I figured this same principle would apply when it came to major life decisions like taking on the responsibility of growing another person inside your body, and the ‘fall out’ (no pun intended) of pushing that life outta your ….
Imagine how much easier the whole thing would be if you had a bestie to ride the roller-coaster with! Luckily I had the perfect candidate to be my dopple-ganger in pregnancy.
She is the first friend I met when I arrived in city where I live, so I have known her the longest. She is gorgeous inside and out, we are more or less the same age, and she is also a Canadian (1 million bonus points). She is smart and loves to research things, so presumably I could piggy back off her for all the important (but annoying to figure out) pregnancy facts. And the icing on the cake is: she is married, totally ready to have kids, a straight up A ++ super cool chick with a good backbone, and a heart of gold. I could not ask for more!
So it was decided we would try together for ahhh so exciting… wait for it… babies!!! Now being the good little Canadian’s we are surly the baby gods would shine down on us and we would get pregnant at the exact same time and grow our cutie little bumps in bestie tandem bliss right?!?…. ummmm WRONG!!!
Being the self focused millennial’s we are, one of us (I will not sell out and say who) backed out of the deal within a month and a half. Timing was wrong, need more savings, want more time to develop my career, want to go on a couple more vacations etc etc etc. The endless list of reasons to postpone baby production was written.
Ok no problem. Lets wait, together of course, and start again in like 6 months / a year. Life rolled on. Great weekends, lots of free time, hard work weeks, and fun parties came and went (including my 32 birthday) which was a totally amazing night but left me feeling abnormally un-fresh in the coming days.
So un-fresh in fact even two days later I felt horrible…which is strange since I really didn’t drink that much. Ok I drank beer at the ice skating hall, then gin and tonics, some rose wine, and eventually champagne at the night club.. but really it was a super super long night. Ok fine, that is a bad mix of alcohol, but a 2 day hangover…maybe I am getting old.
Of course there was another possibility. But only a tiny tiny little blinker in the far corners of my mind suggested that my short-lived, month and a half long attempt to get pregnant had …worked? Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
In Germany stores close way way early compared to North America. They don’t have 24 hour drug stores, or really 24 hour stores of any kind, and everything is closed on Sunday… don’t even get me started on how incredibly inconvenient this is. They also don’t have Rice Krispies, Twizllers, Kraft Diner, Cadbury mini eggs, Hershey Kisses, proper Swedish berries..the list goes on and on but I think we are veering off topic and I try to ‘eat healthy’ so maybe this is actually a blessing in disguise. But yea the drug stores close at 8pm on Saturday and don’t open again until Monday.
So being as it was Saturday at 7:45pm my subconscious (if that’s a real thing) prompted me towards the drug store. The first one I reached is on a busy, trendy, restaurant filled, walking street where I could easily run into tons of people I know. Now in full on panic mode this did not phase me. I bought the test walked directly across the street to a Starbucks bathroom and in very bad taste, and looking back questionable hygiene, I peed on that stick.
Plus sign on the little window. Immediate Plus sign, not even a second to prepare. What? Slow down stupid test. Sorry What? Does plus mean yes you peed in the right place, and the test has now begun working? No. Ok. Plus sign means Plus. Like on a party invitation, ‘Plus One’ ..meaning you and another. Ok. Ok. Ok. Omg. NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!
At this exact moment the father of my child (ok at least I know for sure who that is, so I am all good there) was at a book store about a 10 min walk from my current location (the meltdown Starbucks). Before I reached him I called my girlfriend to panic all over that sh**. No not the girlfriend I was suppose to have a baby in tandem with (that would be too much right now) but another amazing friend who is already mother and actually has 3 kids and is somehow cooler and younger and fitter and smiley-er and laughfy-er (ok I know simley-er and laughy-er are not a words) than 99% of women without kids so I knew she was the right call to make.
After 10 min of walking and talking and continuous shock and meltdown I reached the bookstore. Now I know most women plan exciting, special, unforgettable, photo-op moments to tell their partner they are carrying their child, but in this moment I was just proud I was still standing and breathing. When I reached, my dude I was probably white and sweating and looked like I could puke at any moment (this great new ‘look’ continued on and off for about a month and a half ). Being a man I don’t think he noticed at all. Hey baby whats up check out these calendars I am looking at. Calendars?? Are you F-ing kidding me?… CALENDARS!!! Don’t you know my mind is exploding!!! Ok I did not say that. I just calmly told him we need to find another drug store that is open even though it is past 8pm on a Saturday. When asked why I said I need another pregnancy test, because I just took one, and it says I am pregnant, but I am pretty sure that test was broken. Very special moment, and great delivery on my part, ha ha!
Now as you probably guessed every consecutive test confirmed my permanent party for two had started.
Looking back maybe the timing was not THAT bad. I completely love the man who I am having the baby with (which is pretty key), I live in a very nice apartment, in a nice neighborhood, in a lovely country. I am 32 (more than old enough to have a baby), I have great friends and my family is healthy and has enough available funds to visit me in Germany. So on a scale of 1-10 I am super super lucky.
But in the initial moment I just panicked. This was not the plan. I don’t speak German that well. I want some more time to work before I have kids. No one else is gonna be my pregnancy dopple-ganger. My dude works SO SO much and is not able to take time off. I am self employed so I wont get any maternity leave or financial support. My family lives SUPER far away. I am just like … not ready.
To be honest the following 2 days were not shining moments for me. I was a cloud of dark storm actually. Maybe it was in part the new hormones overtaking my body, or just the very real shock of this life altering news. I always assumed it would take minimum of 6 months or maybe even a year of ‘trying’ before I got pregnant, so part of me just couldn’t connect that it was already done. I was already on a train that had left the station, this train would follow its course, and not slow down, and now I was on for the ride.
Now how to get over this? I know most people think oh a part of you would be excited, or you must have also felt really blessed, or surely you also imagined the magical moment of holding your baby in your arms. No actually. I just felt really terrified. So if you are newly pregnant and terrified maybe the next bit of my story can help you. These were the things that I focused on to keep my panic at bay and enable myself to just keep going. Because that is all you can do. Keep going. One day at a time and eventually you will just feel better (mentally that is, physically you will almost certainly feel worse!) But here is my ‘panic calming list’
1) The baby is not coming for a long long time. Sure maybe looking back you will say ‘oh time flew’ but it really wont. 9 months or 40 week or 10 months or however they calculate pregnancy now…?? It is a long long long time.
2) You don’t look pregnant and no one knows your pregnant so if you’re not ready to tell people and handle all their emotions that’s really easy… just don’t tell people. If you’re out and can’t drink tell people you’re on antibiotics for blha blha blha and you can’t mix it with alcohol and they won’t bother you.
3) Billions and Billions of other women have done this, and so can you. Think of it this way, the plan is already in action. Science and biology is working and you and your partner already provided your ‘contribution’ ;). You really don’t have to do anything other than just keep living. Ok that’s a lie there are a million things you can and probably should do, but don’t think about it now. Just keep living. You can do all that ‘important stuff’ later.
4) Last, but definitely not least, you are still you. I know that sounds corny but it was kind of surprising as I went along how much I didn’t change…. Everyone says oh your life is really going to change. And when they baby comes I know that will be true but right now (I am already 5.5 months in) not too much has changed for me. I can still do everything I did before. All my strange 1st trimester stuff is 100% gone and I feel great. I like all the same people, and food, and places, and things, and activities I always have. I keep doing my thing, and I keep being myself, and this makes me feel less scared. Life is still alot like it always was, and did not flip upside-down…. at least not yet!!
Stay tuned for my Next ‘Diary Entry’ coming May 1st.
Until then XXOO
Robin J
4 comments
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im 12 weeks! i was also terrified. i found out immediately when i was 4 days late on my period, and i screamed every single profanity in the a grocery store bathroom. i was a 8 weeks from my 21st birthday, i have sooo many unhealthy habits that i love. i wasnt ready to give it up. my husband was just as unenthusiastic as me, we both cried that we were financially and emotionally ready. however after the inital shock wore off, i realized nah, were both in the army, and in college, like well always have some stability, and emotionally? too bad, we’ll learn. people at work knew right away cause there were things i couldnt do anymore within regulation, so it was nice to hear congrats and kind words even when it was still early and my family didnt know yet. now everyone knows and not everyone in my family was happy for us, basically i no longer speak to my sister, but hey, were happy now.
That’s so great to know! Great job on accepting it with such a positive attitude. Happy and healthy remaining months. Wishing you all the best Tracy.:)
Hi Tracy. That is just the same way most people feel I imagine. You can always find reasons your are ready and reasons you are not ready. I think in the end if you are trying your best you are doing all you can. I am sure you and your guy will find a way to rock it! Good luck moving forward through the next months!!
– All the best, Robin J