It’s the club no one should want to be a part of. Yet we all find ourselves traversing, either mentally or verbally, the long road of engaging in behavior or talk that puts down a fellow mom. Sometimes it seems harmless. The little comments about “How could she do that?” or “I would never (insert admonishable offense)”. Though the words may not have been said directly to the other mom, they’re just as harmful. Whether a mom chooses to co-sleep, offer a bottle vs. breast, start play dates at infancy, or drink a glass of wine during pregnancy (are you already judging me because I totally did this while pregnant with my midwife’s blessing), it’s not your right to pass judgment. Perhaps doing unto others as you would have them do unto you is applicable here.
1) Re-focus. Why not turn all that negative bias into something productive? Perhaps volunteering your time to help others in need can reprogram the mind to feel the same emotions when doing something good for those less fortunate. Focus on your own strengths as a mother rather than worrying what others may consider your downfalls. If you find yourself guilty of being the one who has shamed a fellow mom, apologize, if possible. Saying I’m sorry can go a long way in clearing your conscience and providing the other mom with the means to re-group her thoughts.
2) Don’t second-guess yourself. Sure, maybe we all can’t afford organic fruits and vegetables or the expensive cloth diapering service. Doesn’t make you a bad mom! If you find yourself in the predicament of defending your “basic” choices, it might be time to re-evaluate who you owe an explanation to, i.e. no one. You’re doing the best you can, Momma.
3) Find support. Call your best friend, your spouse, your sister. Talk to the dog if you have to, but find a listening ear to support you in your goals. It’s ok if you witness other moms (seemingly every single one of them) arriving at daycare with perfected hair and makeup while you look like you just fell out of bed. It happens! Trust me when I say they probably envy you for your laid back attitude. Embrace it. Life is hard enough without feeling like you don’t belong just because you feel or look different.
4) Keep marching forward. It’s no one’s business if you choose to place a career in the priority zone. My mother was a stay-at-home mom my whole life, but I often wonder if she wouldn’t have been happier keeping the company of other adults throughout the day. Not to say she didn’t stay busy, but the grass is always greener on the other side. My own decision was to remain in the workplace, to continue developing my career; however, countless times a day I encounter the question why I didn’t want to stay at home with my young daughter. Short answer: because I want my daughter to see she can do anything she puts her mind to! She can be a leader in her field and a nurturer at home! She can go back to school when she’s 40! (Maybe that’s the short and long answer, but I say it proudly!) Besides, it has nothing to do with “wanting” to stay at home. I want to be at home, but I also want to work outside my home for a living. Mommy shamers would be quick to tell me I’m making the wrong choice, but to them I say screw you.
Keep being you, Momma! Your best is just right for the little human(s) you brought into this crazy world. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Most importantly, encourage other moms even when you may or may not understand their reasoning behind the choices made. Good for you if you breastfeed until baby is two years old. But don’t forget about the mom who couldn’t breastfeed at all, no matter how much she tried. She needs encouragement, as well, and you may very well be the mom who lent her the listening ear she needed.
