Do you want to know why moms struggle with grappling identity later in life? Sure, I’d tell you. It’s because when being a mother becomes all-consuming (especially in the early stages), it becomes next to impossible to remember or hold on to the remnants of who you once were. From the moment we learn that we’ve conceived, we strap a new nametag on our chest- a nametag we would never remove.
Imagine you go on a trip with a few friends for three days. Y’all are on a yacht taking bomb photos, sipping wine and just having fun when Sandra, your best girl, yells over the gust of the wind, ‘Soak it in, you are a free woman now!’. Uhm… hello?!? Sandra must plan on dying on this boat, because I know what I go back to.
Just because you have the opportunity to EXPERIENCE freedom (or feel like your old self again), doesn’t mean that’s your new reality. Stepping away from the “four walls” of motherhood, doesn’t steal that newly (or maybe it feels ancient) placed name tag of what you’ve become, what you just left and what you will inevitably go back to. It does give the freedom to experience other sides of herself (hobbies, interests, friendships, etc.) but the thing is, you can take the mom away from motherhood, but you can’t take motherhood out of the mom.
From the moment I wake up, I am not my own person. Two, and soon THREE separate individuals are relying on me to literally survive, and of course being the super awesome, calm, involved, rockstar of a mom I am, thrive. I clean up probably 6-7 messes before 8am (emphasis on calm); I cook, change, bathe, feed, play and correct two kids from that first 5:30am “Mommy?” call to the last 8:30pm (DON’T get me started), “I’m scared..” whisper EVERY. DAY.
Sometimes my husband likes to compare his 2-hour gym time to my 1.5 hour grocery run. Bless him. The man hasn’t had to think about toothpaste or laundry detergent… well, ever. And while I say that jokingly because my husband is truly the bomb – if I need to step away, I don’t feel as if I can’t, which is a true partner in my book but many people confuse basic family/human needs to a mom’s ‘me’ time. If I can do it without kids, I. SOAK. IT. UP! But don’t lose sight of the word ‘needs’, people!
When I require time to bathe, cook, EAT? ALL NEEDS. Grocery run, Tylenol/OJ run, fill up my car, diaper run? ALL NEEDS. Hold your gasps, I know. Us moms? Have needs? Stop. But here I am, writing to tell you that this truly is often a common misunderstanding or what I like to call a gap in an individual’s common sense.
Truth is, mothers to young children learn very quickly that we truly are confined to the four walls of motherhood and it becomes very difficult to undo, even as things “slow” down 10-15 years later. At that point, it’s too late! I like the example of the constant trickle of water down the boulder. Eventually, even water puts a dent in stone.
Now that you are in this phase of your life, DO NOT LET THE WATER PUT A DENT IN STONE (YOU)! Find time to explore life and do the things that really make you happy. Demand for it if you must but refuse to get lost in the unending cycle of motherhood.
I am a mom; It’s a nametag I wear PROUDLY and I wouldn’t trade it for literally anything in the world. I do have a few things that are high up on my list of wants but motherhood will always be number one. Before I became a mother, before anyone referred to me as a mother, I was Jess. I am Jess.
In 10-20 years from now, your kids will leave the house and you will be considered an “empty-nester”. The word empty becomes so powerful when it comes to this transition because that is often how it leaves us feeling… completely empty of who we are. The routines, wake-ups, schedules, continuous company, and the (hopefully) love-filled home dissipates and what will you be left with? Let’s be intentional, mamas. Let’s make sure we keep parts of who we are every day so that we don’t get so lost, it becomes impossible to find ourselves again.
I am Jess and you are you. So when you strap that ‘Mama’ nametag on, don’t let it replace you, let it add on to the already amazing you!
I love Jesus, ice cream, and caffeine a WHOLE lot. I try to keep it as real as possible. I avoid sugarcoating when I write and use those things we try not to talk about as my inspiration because that's where I think us Mama's feel the most lonely - in those hush-hush places.
Thanks for taking the time to read! If you hate it, I'm sorry you wasted 4 minutes of your life, but it is better than dealing with a poopy diaper or reluctant tweenager... so, in that case, you're welcome.
- She Was A Saint, Not All Mothers Are - September 22, 2021
- Why Moms Struggle With Identity Crisis - July 14, 2021
