My older brother and I are both married with kids, he has 2 and I’m currently pregnant with baby number 3. When my first child was born, my parents were so excited about becoming grandparents. They threw me a lavish baby shower and even paid for our child’s first birthday party. For 8 years he was the only grandchild and they had lots of time for him. My parents become grandparents young (before 50), so they always had a lot of energy for babysitting and outings with my kid.
Then my brother and his wife had their first child, and the difference was stark. We started babysitting each other’s kids because we knew we couldn’t ask my parents. I recall an occasion when he asked them to watch his baby as he and his wife were off to an event, they called an hour later saying “they couldn’t handle it.” The baby was barely a year old and had no issues like cholic, a cold, or allergies that would make babysitting tricky.
My brother and I had our second kids around the same time and by then we had both hired help because it had become a more reliable support for us than our parents. As time went on, the less we needed our parents the less we saw them. We haven’t asked them to babysit in years, but they certainly never ask. Our thinking was that by being less dependant on them, it would prompt them to bond with our kids more organically as they’d be doing so at leisure and not out of obligation. But this seems to have backfired. They are all too happy to not be required to be involved with our children and they never ask us to bring them over.
Unfortunately, my husband’s parents are late so unlike my brother’s kids, my parents are all my children have, and it breaks my heart. I don’t want them to look after my children, I just want them to get to know them. I burn with envy on my children’s behalf when I see kids with a close bond with their grandparents.
I try to keep some distance between my parents and I because the hurt is too great and it’s affecting my relationship with them. Above all, I don’t want my children to feel rejected by them. When we visit, they complain about our kids’ toys and constant snacking. To keep my kids out of their way and to help keep their house orderly when we visit, I often shoo them off to the TV room. Only for my parents to then criticize us for letting our kids watch too much TV. Fortunately, the kids have each other so they don’t notice all the ways I try to minimize their presence when we visit their grandparents. What hurts the most is that we have a lot of fun with my parents when we do stuff without the kids, like dinners and shows. My parents are fit and healthy and enjoying the spoils of their empty nests. They love hosting, going out and having a good time. The reality is that they just don’t want to be around the children.
I know every parent says this, but my kids are good kids. My brother’s kids are angels too. Looking after them is so easy, and because the younger 3 are close in age they keep each other entertained for the most part. So why don’t my parents take joy in their grandkids like other grandparents do?
I haven’t yet broken the news of my current pregnancy and I don’t think I want to yet. My parents have stolen a great chunk of joy from my parenting experience because of their reluctance to be grandparents. It feels as though the only people who deserve to be a part of our happiness are my brother and his wife. They say it takes a village to raise a child, my assumption was always that my parents would be a significant part of that village. I guess I was wrong.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is it worth trying to address it or should I move on? I want my kid to have grandparents who love them, but should I really have to ask them to?
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11 comments
You are not alone!
My husband and I have pretty much been our only support system for eachother when it comes to our kids. We have 3. My oldest is from a previous marriage and he’s now an adult. But our younger two who are 9 and 7 have very little interaction with their grandparents. My father comes to visit often but it’s not to come hang out with the kids. It’s to visit his brother (My uncle) who lives an hour away but while he’s in town he may as well stay at my house for free. my mother is pretty much nonexistent. I asked her one time to come visit and I would pay for her ticket. She told me she had to stay home to water her grass. On another occasion the topic was brought up and her response was “why would I come there knowing I would be miserable!” Point taken!!! I never Asked again. It literally has been my husband and I relying on eachother and once the kids are asleep for the night we spend time together because we don’t get to have date nights. My father in law stops by for 5 minutes once or twice a year to show his face and then he’s out of the door. My mother in law claims that she wants them to come visit her once a year for 2 weeks at a time but my kids hate going over there because she’s abusive and Mean. My son, the 9 year old, told us, during their most recent visit to her house she threw clothes in his face one and made him cry. I dont know if its because he is on the spectrum so his communication is not as advanced as his sister’s, or that of a 9 year old, but her behavior toward him is unacceptable. I remember when he was 3 and his vocabulary was very minimal, and he wasnt able to express himself as well as he does now, he would periodically have meltdowns. she volunteered to come get them but she asked if he would be better behaved by the time she came to get him because if not, she was going to just take his sister and leave him home because she “doesn’t have time to be dealing with all that!” When my husband addressed her about throwing The clothes in his face, she acted like she didn’t remember. But then the next day she called my son directly and apologized. So we don’t want the kids to go visit her because they never come back happy and we dont want to send them anywhere they feel unsafe. My husband knows what she is capable of because she was abusive toward him growing up. Our children are amazing! They are so smart and sweet and they absolutely love to spend time with family they are always asking about extended family to get an understanding of who they are related to. It breaks my heart because they don’t deserve to be afterthoughts. It hasn’t been easy not having a village but we’ve made it work. It would be nice to get a date night or be able to take a trip with my husband but until we hire a nanny that won’t be happening!
I Can Relate
I grew up w/ both sets of grandparents & we all lived in the same town. We were so involved that it was almost daily interactions.
Sick Days- Grandparents, Summer Off Of School- Grandparents, Needed A Ride Somewhere- Grandparents.
My Parents Had The Easiest Time Parenting!
I was the 1st to give them grandkids. They were Excited! For my 1st they were involved but not like I had hoped. By My 2nd, they literally moved from our state to roam the country. For My 3rd, it’s been the least involvement.
Even my husband’s family said “We Didn’t Retire To Become Babysitters”. My Siblings aren’t too involved and only my sister now has twins. My parents aren’t too involved with her kids either.
My Parents Are Being Grandparents From A Distance.
It’s Been The Hardest, Loneliest Years Of My Life.
I’ve learned to accept their relationships for exactly how they are, and not what I had hoped for. It’s still so very hard. I still protect my kids and desire for them to be less when they are in their presence. It’s like our parents forget that toddlers are heathens, school age kids are hyper and tweens are weird and moody. I live through hell as a stay at home mom, so I want so desperately for my own mom to swoop in and take some of the load once in a while. But I know it’s not going to happen and so I appreciate what I can get such as family vacations to visit them and I keep my expectations very low. I also won’t change my routines or lives to bend over backwards for them or anyone else who won’t do it for us as well. My kids and I won’t beg for love.
Having your brother and his family is a blessing. The cousins will be best friends for life. Your parents will realize when it’s too late (usually when the kids are older and more behaved around them) and that’s not your fault. You and your brother need to keep your focus on who is making time and who is loving on your kids. Best wishes to everybody.
I can 1000% relate to you on a same, but tiny bit different level. We’re military and we have always lived away when our first two kids were born. My parents would come visit and mom would come out for the births to help. Super hands on, but sometimes like pulling teeth asking “are you planning on coming when baby is born?” And it was never an “absolutely we’ll be there” end period dot. It was more of…”yes, planning on coming, but have lots of things going on” meanwhile she let my brother move in her home for 2 years and he had childcare for free. She doesn’t have a job, but a random decorator when needed. Meanwhile I had other friend’s parents were jumping with excitement and would drop anything to watch their grandkids. It’s tough because you want to respect your parent’s space, time, and how they want to live. If your parents are social people like my parents then they absolutely do have lives of their own and not dropping everything to help is not part of their life. We now live close to them and we have 3 kids all 5 and under. They love them for sure, but not jumping with joy to take them and super glad and extremely supportive when I hire help. I have spent a fortune on a nanny. My husband is gone often with military so it’s nice to have help sometimes with the littles. My mom helps once a week and it’s nice, but I still feel very stressed asking her if she is coming this week and there are times when she can’t help. It’s never and ask. It so stressful to ask that it causes more strain because it doesn’t feel like this natural excitement and eagerness I was hoping for grandparents. I feel you on that.
My husband has a week off and I my mom said “so do you need my help this week since your hubs is home?” no… I absolutely didn’t. I said no of course. I said randomly just to see “it would be nice to have a date night with him and she said “date night huh?” Lol. I’m coming from having a nanny who watched our kids that we LOVED deeply that couldn’t wait to see her own grandkids, would plan watching my kids around if her own children needed help first and couldn’t wait to send her daughters and their spouse on a date night. The joy and excitement she had to see her grandkids was contagious and of course it’s hard not to place that level of excitement on my own parents. My dad works full-time so it’s hard to expect much time from him.
I know this is different, but I feel you deep when you truly love your parents and you have these expectation of what a grandparent should look like. I have to remove all the expectation I have or else it will suck the joy and bring so much anger. There is way more deeper stuff to my story, but girlfriend. I feel you. You’re not alone.
Someone above in the comments said it perfectly, “They dont HAVE to do anything they dont want, thats the big mistake we have been programed to believe that people have to do things or behave in certain way because they are family, but, no, the reality of real life its that people have free will and they exercise it.”
One thing I do know is you’ll remember this feeling. Your kids and grandkids are going to be the luckiest kids ever because you’ll never want them to feel this way. I’m sure your parents aren’t doing it to hurt you and if my parents were to see this they would absolutely disagree with me saying they’re super involved, but it’s not the jump for joy same vibe. It’s feels like a job and that’s the thing that sucks. I feel you on that. Hang in there. You’re doing great.
I’ve had almost the exact same experience as you, but instead of my siblings having children it was me having more. My siblings live way too far away to have to worry about our partners. With my first my parents begged us every weekend to watch her to the point I had to tell them that we also wanted to see her on weekends. When I had my second they were still pretty invested but started to pull back, going out with friends still but saying no a lot more when asking to watch the kids. My mom made it a point several times to say she wouldn’t know what to do if we had a third, so when I became pregnant with my third I was so nervous to tell them and it was a half hearted “really? Oh wow… okay … congrats. They won’t fit in my car.” Fast forward to today, my youngest is 2.5. They always said no to watch the girls, even asking them 6 months in advance. They also act like they’re very tough kids and have always been a fan of children being seen and not heard, which is not how I’m raising my three girls. I am now trying to cut off all contact because the disappointment affects my whole family. I feel for you, hang in there and lean on the support you do have.
I Second this! It’s shame that they don’t naturally want that relationship but you can’t force it and it shouldn’t really be an expectation.
Time to say goodbye. I made the tough Decisions today actually on Easter to remove my mother Completely from my life. It was tough, but i had to for my own mental health. It was affecting my relationship with my daughter. If someone wants to be part of someones life they will make the effort. Otherwise, prepare for excuses. You will have wonderful and kind people who will shower your kids with love they deserve. I did not grow up with a relationship with my grandparents. My father died when i was nine. And now my mother is dead to me. I turned out fine. Lots of therapy to get to this point, but happy to be stronger. God loves you and your kids do too. You are their world right now. Not the Grandparents.
Please tell them how you feel, as people get older it is harder for them to realize how they can come off. I had this issue with my grandmother where she was saying things that hirt my feelings or would sound really rude, i brought it up in a very casual way with love and she had NO idea, she apologized and said she really didnt even know she sounded like that and thanked me. We hugged and thats all it took. Some grandparents want to be apart of the kids lives when they get a little older and can do more things, maybe if you tell them you feel like your kids are a burden to then they will think “i didnt mean for that to happen” sometimes people have no filter and then we harbor that when they havent even thought twice about it, miscommunication happens so often. You dont want to throw that relationship away if it could be fixed. And if they say the kids are too much still then you know and you can say you tried and you might feel better about it, like you got more closure. Best of luck
This person needs to move on. I have no family nearby and don’t have that support. I have to hire support like they do. You can’t force a relationship. Yes it’s sad how her parents are reacting but it’s their loss at the end of the day. She’s wasting energy expecting things to change but at the same time, has she addressed the situation directly? They might not even realise what they’re doing.
Dear mama,
I feel your pain.
I will leave a ver unpopular opinion comment, but i Honestly mean no harm.
There’s 2 points that stand out for me.
1.[…]“ My parents have stolen a great chunk of joy from my parenting experience ‘’ […]
You have let them take this. You are the master of your life and emotions. You are more than Entitled to feel the way you feel, but its also your decision To let your parents behaviour affect you. They dont HAVE to do anything they dont want, thats the big mistake we have been programed to believe that people have to do things or behave in certain way because they are family, but, no, the reality of real life its that people have free will and they exercise it. You are unlucky to have parents that maybe dont feel like it or just plainly, dont want to behave like traditional granparents, and thats ok, its their choice.
2. […]’my assumption was always that my parents would be a significant part of that village.’[…] i guess this is also linked to my first point. Assumptions are one of the worst things to do in life, they make room for a whole lot of mistakes and Disappointment.
I’m sorry if this makes you feel awful or i come harsh. I’m sure lots of other mummy’s will give lovely advice, i just love to receive pracmatic and real advice or words of encouragement. I’m sure things will get better and i hope you have other people that love dearly your kids and will be for them for ever. Unfortunately, grandparents aren’t For it right now and it is what it is. You can force, whats the point.
You are extremely lucky to have your brother that is also going through the same situation( i would see this as a positive- not going through it by yourself)
Again, didnt want to be horrible, but i always appreciate facts and truth above all.
With you the best of luck .
Perfectly put
Her parents absolutely have the right to not what to be grandparents, but she has the right to cut them off for it as well. I don’t believe you can be a good parent and want a good relationship with your child while at the same time having nothing to do with their child. It just doesn’t work that way. I just hope you aren’t in fact telling her that it’s okay. Anyone is allowed to make their choices in life, but it doesn’t mean it’s not a shitty choice.