One of the things that surprised me and something that definitely put a ‘WHAT THE’ in the mind of my husband was my feelings on swapping to formula feeds.
It was the middle of the night and I was exhausted. I recall over that previous weekend buying some organic formula – I had thought of it as a “when I’m ready” but my husband had it in mind for a “just in case moment”. Apparently this particular night was that moment so he woke up to assist. After a groggy half-awake minute of wondering what he was doing not attending to our child but playing around in the kitchen, I stomped down the hallway and screamed WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!. He was confused. I started crying. I incomprehensively mumbled through my tears “I’m not ready for that yet”. It would have been quite the scene!
This complete lack of communication, on my part, added to my husband constantly doubting himself and his role as a father. He felt like I was always going to attack him or that I was always watching to see if he was doing something wrong (and by wrong, I mean, in a different way to me!). It really was a downward spiral from there. Within 2 or 3 months of us having our wonderful IVF miracle baby my husband was suffering from Post Baby Blues. The life that he had imagined was not at all his reality, with his baby always crying, his wife always yelling and him sinking further and further into the background.
To be honest, I didn’t even think of it in that way. It took a long time for me to step outside of myself and see what was happening. At the time, I thought he was being a child, complaining because he wasn’t getting attention even though I was literally busy 24/7 looking after our son. Furious with him (and if I am honest with myself resenting him for his lack of assistance during that period of our parenting journey) I blocked him out and focused 100% on our child. I knew that I had to take responsibility of our son and I honestly felt like it was futile to attempt to comfort my husband in any way, because it would simply lead to an argument that neither of us was ever going to win.
That was a bad decision on my part. Communication is always better than not communicating with someone; especially when it’s a person that you love, a person that you live with, and a person that you want to continue to have a life with when your kids are grown and out of the house! I am writing this because I can’t rewind the clock and re-do my start to parenting. Instead, I’d like to give you heads-up on some signs to look out for or little things you can do to ensure that you are actively parenting together and that your husband/partner is doing better mentally with the new adventure.
- If your partner appears distant (not lazy but unconfident) then encourage him to take over different tasks for you. Explain to him how to do it, without being over-bearing, then leave him to it. Let him figure it out for himself. I promise, he won’t break your baby! He loves them just as much as you do. And you only learnt from practising yourself, so give him a chance!
- Allow him time to catch up with his mates (especially those with young kids) without you giving him grief about it. Yes, you’ve probably just spent the last month in your PJs and would love to get out too, but if you allow him the time now to see friends, it’s more likely he will be able to have some real talks with them and lower your chances of being in the position I was in.
- Set aside a time that is theirs alone – Dad and child. Pick something fun, not a pooey nappy change (although, how lovely would it be to always handball that task!). My husband ended up adding swimming classes to his time with our son, keeping with that water theme. They also do bedtime together each night, either chatting about their days, wondering what they will do on the weekends or reading a book.
- Please, please, please communicate! Whether this is baby 1, 2, 3 or 4 the way you feel each and every time will be different. Express your feelings. Let them know what you need from them. Ask them how they would like to be more involved. And if you’re brave, talk through the hot topics like formula vs breastmilk, to leave to cry or not leave to cry, sharing a bed, vaccinations, going back to work or even parenting non-negotiables.
- Finally, it’s not always us that they will want to talk to about this. They might feel more comfortable talking to their mum, their siblings, their friends or even sitting down with a therapist. Be sure to encourage them either way.
In summary, parenting can be damn hard. Please know there are plenty of us out there that are or have been in exactly the same boat. We have all had one of those moments when we have slunk down behind the back of a door and cried our eyes out. And as you can see, from reading above, there may be someone in your house that has all those feels too. Look after yourselves. You both deserve a hug / medal / cape / drink!
Yours truly, Bec Quinn
(still waiting for someone to write that parenting guidebook ~ someone is on that project aren’t they?!)
- My Unsuccessful Attempt At Being A Good Mom And A Good Wife - August 9, 2021
- Dads Can Have Post Baby Blues Too - July 24, 2021
- A – Z Unique Girls And Boys Baby Names - August 28, 2020
