Parenting With Bipolar Disorder – My Motherhood

We’ve been making little zines for our daughter about all the things that are important to us. I decided to make one about my depression/borderline episodes that will hopefully help her understand things a bit better (when she’s older of course).

I never want to become complacent with how I handle my emotions, but I also want to show her that we can treat our emotions with tenderness and self-acceptance. There’s a lot of shame associated with borderline personality disorder (feeling like you’re a bad person, that you should have more control, that what you’re feeling isn’t real and, you’re just weak) and I don’t want that to exist in our family.

We all have our demons, but we can choose how we interact with them. We can also choose to accept help from those around us that WANT to help. It took me so so long to come to a place of peace with myself and not let all the dark feelings control my every action – truth be told, I don’t even know what changed.

I think my soul just got tired. Tired of trying all the wrong things, tired of addiction, tired of hurting myself, tired of isolating, tired of moving, moving… moving. I think it finally just hit a dead end, sighed, and said, “Let’s just try peace.”

My daughter will have demons (everyone does) – I just hope she’ll have a shorter road to peace and that she’ll know there’s no shame on that road. And, of course, that the road isn’t lonely. It’s full of people on the same journey, just trying to find their own way of living that brings them contentment.

There’s no finish line – I’ll always have dark days that feel insurmountable, I know that. But I’ll have love around me and within me to get me through it. And so will she.

Of course. I always thought I had depression until a couple of years ago when a psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar. I resisted the label because truth be told I didn’t want to be associated with it. Then this past year my manic and depressive episodes became considerably worse and I found out the medication I was on had excavated my bipolar symptoms so I started to really take it seriously then and began seeing a therapist and psych.

It was a lot of trial and error and finding the right mental health professionals that really listened to me but I did.

Our chat with Andrienne.

P and P – What’s a usual episode like? What happens in that time frame?

Adrienne – Depressive episodes are like dreams. I can’t really remember them after. I just feel hollowed out and the world seems like a horrible place. I know people describe it as a fog but it always felt like a sharp glare to me, too bright to even get out of bed. When I first had them I wouldn’t speak to people or look them in the eyes for days even when I was sharing a bedroom with two girls in college. It was completely disorienting. I’ve gotten better at pulling myself out a bit but I still feel hopelessly submerged in it.

I am a rapid cycler with my mania which means my manic episodes are shorter but more frequent. I get a thousand ideas at once, my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest and I feel an irresistible urge to simultaneously sit and work on an idea and bounce around the room. Then I usually crash quite hard afterward.

P and P – How long have you had this?

Andrienne – Since I can remember. One of the reasons I resisted the bipolar diagnosis was that I felt therapists just weren’t understanding my personality, that I was hyper by nature. But my psychiatrist finally convinced me that I’d lived with my episodes so long I didn’t have any other word for it than “personality”. And since I started therapy and medication a few months ago I have had close to no episodes and much more sustainable energy.

P and P – Are you married and how soon after did you get pregnant?

Andrienne – We are not married, haven’t decided if we want to do that! But we met only five months before she was conceived! It all just kind of fell into place for us in a really unexpectedly rapid way!

P and P – When you found out that you were pregnant, how did you feel?

Andrienne – The first day was pure bliss, it just felt so right. Then I woke u the next day and all the anxiety hit and I didn’t know if it would be right for me to have a baby when I felt like my life was such a mess. But then I told my partner Robert and together we decided it could be so wonderful and we became more and more excited. And it really has been bliss since she was born. I was expecting so much pain and possibly postpartum depression and just general stress but I’ve never been more content. I just feel like I was waiting for this all along as cheesy as that sounds!

P and P – That’s beautiful. How old is she now?

Andrienne – She’s four months now. Teething has just begun so we’ll see how long that pure bliss feeling lasts!

P and P – Oh! That stage. Brace up! (laughs)
When you were pregnant, did you have any episodes?

Adrienne – Yes they were considerably worse when I was pregnant because I had to change medication and all the hormones made my dark episodes more erratic and frustrated I suppose would be the word.

But about one month before she was born they stopped and have been crossing my fingers ever since! I haven’t had any episodes to date.

Although that happens sometimes – a long pause. So I try not to place too much stock in it and just enjoy the reprieve.

Motherhood is beautiful. People said I would be flooded with love for her the second I saw her but its been far more steady and building. I think it was just pure shock the first couple of days!

P and P – If there are mothers struggling with bipolar or something similar reading this but do not know how to navigate it or manage it, what’s your advice to them?

Andrienne – The million-dollar question! I think reframing our thoughts about ourselves. For instance, when I was pregnant I watched a movie about a bipolar father called Infinitely Polar Bear and it framed him in such a wonderful light. Yes, it glossed over the dark bits, but I think the important thing for me has been acknowledging that yes I will have to do my best to explain my darkness to her. But I also have so much passion and energy to share with her and I do think some of that is thanks to my bipolar. That and more practical things like talk therapy even if it’s just over an online app. And exercise!!! Exercise helps my episodes so so much.

P and P – That’s beautiful and true. Is there a history of bipolar in your family?

Andrienne – My father never wanted to see a professional but we suspect he had bipolar or at least depression. He committed suicide when i was very young.

P and P – I’m so sorry.

Andrienne – It all feels normal to me since it happened so long ago but thank you.

P and P – Have you ever experienced rejection or been treated differently because of your bipolar?

Andrienne – Oh yeah. But I wouldn’t say they rejected me because of my bipolar. They rejected me because I wasn’t willing to work at dealing with my episodes in a healthy way. I just said “I can’t do anything about them, this is me” and that’s hard for a partner to deal with. The only reason Robert and I work is because we encourage each other not to become complacent with how we deal with our own baggage.

P and P – Do you deal with them better now?

Andrienne – I think so. My boyfriend says it’s like I’ve put up the drywall. I’ve still got work ahead of me but I’m present for it now and willing to do it.

P and P – In a step by step guide just for people in the same situation finding out about their disorder, what should they do?

Andrienne – I’d say if they are not already in therapy to start as soon as possible. But finding a therapist who you truly click with is hard work, don’t settle. I saw so many therapists before I found the right one for me. What came next for me was finding role models. I read about people with bipolar that I found inspiring and it helped me reframe my perception of myself, as someone that could lean in so to speak. Do great things not despite of my bipolar but WITH my bipolar. And always always nurse your passions or what makes you feel satisfied. I think that’s important to do daily – work on something that excites you.

P and P – That’s amazing advice!

Andrienne – Oh phew good!

P and P – Is there something you always have with you in case you ever have an episode in public?

Andrienne – Mm just my phone I’d say. I know I can call my mom anytime, even if I’m just crying into the phone for an hour she’ll just listen and that helps tremendously. I personally just need to be around other people when I’m in an episode – although it is NOT easy to be around me that’s why I really just have my two crucial supports – my mom and my partner, Robert.

Oh, and my boyfriend gave me these little pieces of paper that each have a different compliment on them. They’re silly but they remind me that he loves me when my episode makes me doubt him.

P and P – That is so beautiful! The aquarium book, did you make it yourself?

Andrienne – Yes! Drawing isn’t my talent so it took a while but I wanted it to have pictures so she can look at it from the beginning and be interested.

P and P – Wow! You do have the talent. It’s beautiful. Have you ever thought about starting something where you make these cards or books for moms with disorders to put in words for their kids just like you have? 🙂

Andrienne – I would absolutely love that,  I guess I just feel it’s a little out of my depth at the moment. I wouldn’t know where to begin!

P and P – You literally did it already. If you ever think it’s right for you, go for it!

Andrienne – Thank you for the encouragement!

P and P – Anytime! In one sentence, how would you describe motherhood?

Andrienne – Oh gosh ok. Let me try not to get too clever here and just think of the truth! Motherhood is putting another before yourself and truly loving that process.

P and P – Very true. In regards to motherhood, what resources do you find that you search for the most online?

Andrienne – Oh interesting um. I think I am just always typing “is blah blah normal” “is it normal for babies to…” I have become such a worrywart when it comes to her, it astounds me. I’ve always been very flippant about things, but if she even sneezes funny I’ve got google working.

P and P – (laughs) What products can you not do without as a mom or the ones you consider your “best buy”?

Andrienne – Definitely her swing, above all. She could veg out in there all morning if I let her. Bepanthen for nappy rash. Swaddles. I’ve actually been surprised by how little we actually needed to buy. We live in a tiny studio so that’s kept us minimal and that has worked for us really well I think. A headlamp if you’re in a studio is also a godsend. So she can sleep and we can still do stuff!

P and P – Bepanthen! The absolute best.

Andrienne – I had my friend ship it from Australia, no other brand would do.

P and P – If your daughter is 15 and reading this right now, what would you want her to know.

Andrienne – Oh boy. That I’m so excited to go through life with her, I hope that I can make her life stimulating and loving and interesting and BIG. And if in the future we’ve lost our way with that goal, I hope to just always keep trying to get back. And of course, that I love her and hope that if she has her own aquarium – if I’ve given her that – I hope I’ve at least given her a bit of a headstart with how to handle it.

P and P – That is beautiful! Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Andrienne – I did just think of another purchase! When she gets fussy we’ve found that if we stand on a trampoline and bounce she’s out like a light. I’m sure its just a mom trick I’ve never heard of but for any mom who doesn’t know – they need to!

P and P – OK, that’s going in the “hacks book”! 👏🏼

Andrienne – Yes, good! Get the word out!

P and P – Thank you so much Adrienne for sharing your story with us.

Andrienne – Thank you! You’re very easy to chat with, I feel like I processed a lot of things just from this conversation so thank you for taking the time!

Follow Andrienne and her journey on IG – @adrienneelainedeming.