PSA: New Mothers Need Just As Much Care As Newborns Do

A mother is expected to know what to do when the baby arrives. There’s a common belief that she has this natural instinct to automatically figure out what baby wants, when baby wants it and most importantly, how to do whatever it is that needs to be done. While to an extent a mother does have the “instinct”, a new version of her has just been born as well and she is very new to the world of motherhood.

It is no news that as the pregnancy progresses, everyone starts to subtly put the mother aside and really only ask after “the baby”. This of course gets more pronounced when the baby is finally born.

“How is the baby doing?”, “is he feeding fine?”, “she’s so beautiful”. While all these are great and welcoming questions and comments, did we forget the mom who carried and grew a baby for 9 months while feeling like an alien in her own body? The one that went through hours of labor, pushed a baby out or got cut. That same one who is now facing some not-so-glamorous aftermath of childbirth?

Did we suddenly forget the star of the show?

We fail to realize that the new mommy needs just as much attention too. She’s most likely overwhelmed with everything, has a lot of concerns, worries and questions. But because she has been bestowed the honor of “knowing it all”, she would want to assume that role in other to avoid looking like a failure when in reality she’s in dire need of someone to talk to, someone to help out and just the need to feel heard and seen.

Dear new mom,

It’s okay if you are overwhelmed.

As excited as you are that baby is finally here, you may still feel lost, alone, unseen and unheard.

These are feelings you didn’t imagine experiencing but you should know that you are not alone.

Motherhood is a big bag of mixed emotions. It makes you see that happiness and sadness can coexist.

You feel so blessed yet so exhausted. You always want to be with the baby yet you need some time to yourself.

It’s okay to feel this way and most importantly, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

None of that makes you a failure as a mother but only human because we really cannot and should not do it all on our own.

No one is born knowing what to do with a baby. It is a process, a skill, and one that is acquired or learned over time.

With every mistake and with every victorious moment, you’ll find your rhythm and a routine that works for you and your baby.

You are just getting to know baby and as with every new relationship, it will take some time to fully be in sync and completely understand each other.

So go easy on yourself. You too are a newborn. A newly born woman.

You’ll make mistakes and that’s totally fine. Honestly, all moms do – it’s almost inevitable.

Speak up if you think you need to be heard. Find someone to vent to or discuss with. Preferably one who understands what you are going through. It’s healthy to let things off your chest.

Never compare yourself with other moms. Truth is, we are all just winging it.

You are doing great. Keep going. You got this.

Dear everyone else around the new mom,

New moms need just as much care as newborns do. As much as she looks like she has it all together, chances are she probably doesn’t. New moms are known to put on a brave face in public and break down in private when no one is watching.

It’s very possible that no one has really asked about her wellbeing, not the baby’s, but hers. She is in a new territory, she’s overwhelmed, she’s exhausted and sleep-deprived. She needs all the care and attention she can get and in other for her to feel heard, seen and assisted, here are some ways you can be there for the new mom.

1. Ask her how she’s doing, not the baby, but her. She may be hesitant to share how she truly feels but encourage her and listen to her complains and concerns. Even if you have been through what she has and didn’t think it big of a deal, know that experiences are relative so do not make her feel ashamed or embarrassed for feeling the way she does. Give her a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, that’s just what new moms need – an outlet.

2. Ask her how you can be of help. Give her options. Offer to wash the dishes, clean the home, go grocery shopping for her, run her a bath, cook for her. Some mothers may not be so comfortable at the start with you caring for the baby so do not be quick to assume that she needs that. Ask politely if she does need some time away from the baby to get some time to herself and if she does agree, help out with the baby for an hour or two. Do not be offended if she says no.

3. Don’t bash her with horror stories of motherhood and how hard it gets. Encourage her rather than scare her. Share words and messages that will uplift her spirit.

4. Do not start laying all your problems on her. This most likely isn’t the right time to compare your problems or bombard her with your own issues. Give her some time.

5. Give her back some moments of her life before the baby. This can be offering to babysit while she goes on a date night with her partner or goes off to do something she has always enjoyed. A lot of new moms miss their lives before baby so giving her some moments of that with no interruption can make her feel refreshed.

6. Get her a gift. It’s common for family and friends to bring gifts for the baby when visiting. Get the new mom something for her to brighten up her day. It could be something she needs as a mom or just something for her outside of motherhood.

7. Offer to take pictures of her. No one really takes pictures of the new mom and neither does she really take one of herself. The truth is, babies grow really fast and this moment passes so quickly. She may never have pictures to remind her of the irreplaceable moments. Preserve this moment for her by taking pictures of her that she’ll look back on years from now and cherish.

8. Tell her she’s doing a great job. Motherhood as we know it is a thankless 24hr job. A lot of new moms feel there aren’t doing things right. Amplify her strengths, applaud her wins no matter how small and let her know just how amazing she is.

9. Tell her she’s beautiful. A majority of moms become very conscious of their bodies after birth. It is common for this to affect their self-esteem and feel flawed. As you can imagine, it makes it worse if someone talks negatively about her body. Make her know how amazing her body is for growing and birthing a baby and how beautiful she really is.