Baby Loss: 12 Things To Never Say To The Grieving Mom

The joy that a woman feels when she finds out she’s pregnant is indescribable. She begins to place her hand on her belly unconsciously, she begins to speak to her baby like she has been there all her life, she begins to anticipate the arrival of her child and her heart swells with love for this human she is yet to meet.

This is why losing a baby after conception regardless of the stage is beyond heartbreaking. This could happen in different forms; it could be through an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, stillbirth and other severe pregnancy complications. This journey of pain is one that even the grieving mom cannot wish on an enemy.

You have to understand that moms who have experienced baby loss often blame themselves for what has happened. Healing and moving on doesn’t happen overnight – It is a process! All you really need to do for mothers you know who have lost their babies is to love them, encourage them and let them move or heal at their own pace and in their own time.

If you find yourself around someone who is experiencing this, it is important to be cautious of the things you say to them or around them as your words could do more harm than good. We’ve created a list of things you should never ever say to a mom experiencing loss and we hope you adhere to them.

You Should Try Again

This isn’t the right time to make this kind of statement. What does it mean to try again when the only thing she wishes for as she grieves is to embrace the child she lost? Having another baby wouldn’t ‘replace’ the one she lost- every child is special. Do NOT underrate her pain.

2. It Would Have Hurt More If It Was Already Born

Referring to the baby as “it” is one thing but outrightly saying “it” wasn’t a baby? That’s unacceptable. Does it even matter if the baby died in utero? A fetus becomes a part of the mother from the moment of conception. The love you are undermining (unknowingly) has already been established. It hurts to lose a part of oneself and that is what she is currently going through.

3. 10-15% Of Pregnancies End In A Miscarriage

This is a fact, but a hurtful fact any grieving mom doesn’t need to hear. This is not the right time to make any statistical contributions, she doesn’t need them.

4. At least you have other children

Yes, she does and she loves them wholeheartedly too. This statement will in no way lessen the pain of losing one. Like we said earlier, every child is special and mothers love all their children the same and separately.

5. Everything Happens For A Reason

This statement can leave the grieving mom puzzled as she tries to figure out the possible reasons why she lost the innocent soul she was carrying. Don’t let your words cause her more pain.

6. Be Grateful. The Baby Could Have Been A Liability

How are you so sure? This comes off like you are victim-shaming her and the lost baby. Statements like this would only aggravate her grief.

7. At Least You Are Yet To Know Her

This is an insensitive statement. A mother knows her baby from the moment she finds out that life is growing in her belly. A mother feels her baby’s hunger, her baby’s movements, and her baby’s kicks. A mother KNOWS her baby even before they meet.

8. See This As God’s Plan

This is not the time to express your religious or cultural beliefs. No one should be made to face the test of losing a child, it hurts a whole lot and you need to understand that.

9. It Is Better How It Happened Early

Does it even have to happen at all? Pregnancy isn’t all rosy, this is the period when pregnancy hormones take over, resulting in roller-coaster emotions, morning sickness, mood swings and a lot more that pregnant women experience during the early stage of pregnancy. Every mom is willing to go through these for their little prince or princess. Losing the pregnancy after going through all these is heart-wrenching, so don’t say this.

10. Why Did You Let That Happen?

Implying that the mother should have been more careful is victim-blaming. No mother wants or prays for this to happen to her, every mother tries as much as possible to protect their offspring. So, don’t make her feel like it was her fault.

11. Do You Even Need More Kids?

This is doubtlessly cringeworthy, she knew what she was doing when she decided to carry the baby. Besides, the grief you can see written all over her is enough proof to inform you that she indeed wanted the baby. So never ask that question.

12. Well, Just Move On

Is there a timeline for grief? The insensitivity in this statement is immeasurable. Allow her to heal at her own pace.

This is a very sensitive stage for a grieving mother, soothingly offer your condolences, if at all you have nothing to say, a hug and a pat on her back is enough. She doesn’t need a lecture at this time as words are not necessary for this situation but actions are, do things that will make her happy, bring back happy memories and make her feel overwhelmingly loved.