I have never felt the “mother” kind of love for my child.
Before becoming a mother I watched everyone around me (including my own mother) express and bask in the “motherhood” love. I always dreamed of the day I would feel this way and couldn’t wait.
I got married and my husband and I started trying for a baby immediately. We tried for six and a half years before I finally became pregnant. I spent almost the entire pregnancy in the hospital with severe hyperemesis gravidarum and prayed every day for my baby to stay with me. I eventually gave birth to my very gorgeous girl, whom I am eternally grateful. She turned five years old last week.
Everything seems great in our lives but there’s a big problem.
I do not feel it – the kind of love that I constantly see being expressed on social media or by my colleagues, friends, and family. Yes, I love her and will always be there and care for her. I can and will do anything under the sun to make her happy.
…but I don’t cry when I look at her baby pictures or while folding her baby clothes. I don’t tell her I love her countless times a day. I didn’t feel odd the first day I dropped her off at daycare or the first days of school. And, I am okay when I travel for work and leave her at home with her dad and my mother. Yes, I check on her, but I do not feel sad or upset because I’m away.
I have always been career-oriented and continue to be so even while being a mom. I do not wish I was staying at home with her and genuinely feel nothing weird about all our arrangements.
This makes me feel like something is missing and I can’t help but wonder if I am a bad mother and just haven’t realized it yet. I often have to pretend when my friends and I are speaking about our kids.
Is she unlucky to have me as a mom? Does she see other kids with their mothers and maybe wish she had that kind of relationship? I feel unhappy knowing that there’s a chance that my daughter may lose out on experiencing what that love truly feels like.
This is the first time I am ever sharing this, and fear what criticism I may face but, I am very curious to know if there are other mothers who are like me or if I really need to work on myself and maybe need therapy to dig deeper.
That kind of love may not come naturally to me but I at least want to be sure I am not doing any damage to my child.
Signed – Anonymous R.
- My Monster-in-law Has No Boundaries - April 4, 2024
- My Parents are terrible Grandparents - March 31, 2024
- Keeping The Peace: Navigating Our Religious Nanny - March 26, 2024
12 comments
First off You’re very brave to share your Experience, that is not always easy to do. There is a book called the 5 love Languages this is so very important because it uncovers that we all love differently and show our emotions, love, affection in different ways. Sounds like you enjoying providing for your family. and That’s ok. I would however, dive deeper into why you feel this conviction over this and disconnection from your child. Therapy is great and can help us peel back one layer at a time of emotion, child hood trauma, Disappointments etc. my mother was not very affectionate gorwing up, no hugs, no “ i loves yous” and thats ok i didnt Fault her, i actually didnt know any different. she did provide, cook, clean house, drive to activities. looking back i would have loved a few more snuggles or kind words but i just changed it for my boys., no judgement just offering both Sides! XO
Hi, i believe we all need inner healing from our childhood traumas or whatever triggers us from expressing our emotions
Everyone experiences emotions differently. Some people naturally cry more, and some people don’t. Social media has really nailed the idea into people’s heads that if you Aren’t having a specific experience while raising your child, then you are wrong. This is untrue and the opposite of helpful. What matters the most is the quality of the connection you have with your child, and even if you aren’t spending as much time as it seems like others are, if the quality of time and the emotional and conscious connection is there, she will feel it. Kids ask for love by saying things like “play with me” or “watch me do this” or “i wanna help you do that”. I am the primary caregiver for my kids, and when i have time to myself, I also Don’t feel guilty or miss them when I’m away. Not feeling emotional about things like first day of school could mean that you are very well adjusted to change and accepted it and move on, or you are not processing it and bottling it up. As others have said, it will likely help ease your mind to talk to a therapist or psychologist. In my opinion, if you are engaged and connected during your time together, then she will feel that. Remember that kids ask for love in different ways, and they are also still learning how to ask to be loved. You are growing together as parent and child. You are learning together. You are already doing a great job, and she is not unlucky to have you as a mother.
I was the same way until i actually had a chance to feel what its like to be with my dayghter more dyring covid brcause i lost my job. I stayed home fir a year with her and had a new baby at the sane time and i wouldnt trade those moments for anything. Sounds like You’re stuck in a certain mode because youve never experienced anything else. As my kids grow (ages 3 and 6 now) all im ever trying to do is change work so i can have more time with my kids. My mom worked full time. She came home after dinner most nights. Would be on call on weekends and it always made me feel like i wasnt as important as work. I explainedI explained to my kid that they are more important to me than my job will ever be and being their mom is my favorite job but I have to work so that we can have our house and do fun things. I guess i would say theres something deep inside of you knowing it might be off since youre asking if youre a bad mother. No one knows that except you. Sounds like youre a good mom but you feel something missing. Go find it. Take your daughter on a girls only trip for a few days. She deserves it. Little girls need their mommy.
I agree with some of the other peoples comments that we are jot all the same emotionally. But it wouldnt hurt to maybe talk to a therapist bc kids are super intuitive and feel everything. She will see and feel the difference between the love and attachment they see other mothers give their daughters and it may cause feelings of not being worthy of that type of love lr attention. Or maybe im wrong and she will be perfectly fine. But i know if i was worried about feeling this way id want to talk to a professional about it to see what feedback and insight i might get.
I agree with some of the other peoples comments that we are jot all the same emotionally. But it wouldnt hurt to maybe talk to a therapist bc kids are super intuitive and feel everything. She will see and feel the difference between the love and attachment they see other mothers give their daughters and it may cause feelings of not being worthy of that type of love lr attention. Or maybe im wrong and she will be perfectly fine. But i know if inwas worried about feeling this way id want to talk to a professional about it to see what feedback and insight i might get.
I really think social media Doesn’t help, not everything you see in there or hear from others is true! I’m almost sure that there are a lot of moms like you and me that doesnt cry, feel ok leaving their kids for some time, and enjoy their jobs. The only thing you should work on, is telling your dougther you love her and how important she is to
You!
I grew up in a home where my mom was always there for us but never told us how much she loves us or so, and now as adults me and my siblings all think it would’ve been nice to hear it from time to time!
So i think you should stop over thinking it and just male sure she knows how much yoo lover her in your own way!!!
I’ll be 100% honest without sugar coating anything, I’ll share with you my own experience. Sorry for all the initial caps but i cant fix it at the moment.
I agree that we need to have time on our own, away from our kids, and that we need to have our own activities besides being mothers (career, hobbies, relationships or whatever each mother wants to).
But I was a child of a mom who loved and loves me 200% with all her heart and would do anything for me if im in trouble. But as a child, when I was not in troubles, she was very focused on her career and business, and she checked on me constantly, but she didn’t really spend much time with me. I knew she and my dad loved me a lot, but I didn’t get enough attention so I grew up extremely independent but also with certain confidence & worthiness problems, let’s say believing that “I don’t deserve much Attention”. My dad spent a bit more time with me in the afternoons, he picked me up from school and took me to extra lessons, he went to most of my school activities as well. But for some reason deep inside me I still wanted my mom and NEEDED my mom in ways only moms can be there for us. Dad loved me but he was not a motherly figure, and I don’t blame him, that wasn’t his job. He also had his flaws of course but he was a good dad and yet he didn’t have to become a mother.
I did feel jealous as a child to see other kids having their moms close to them during daytime. I had my dad, but i still wanted my mom.
I somehow felt alone, constantly.
But don’t get me wrong. I talked every day with my mom, I told her about what happened in the day, I shared my happiness and my sorrows , and she showed always always always empathy and interest, and concern if there was something wrong. If i had a problem in school she would go there to solve it, or she would teach me how to solve it if possible. So yes, I knew she loved me and that i could count on her.
But i couldn’t count with her time as much as I needed.
Because of that, I’m trying to change my story as a mom myself. I do work. I did try to be at home full-time for them but I went nuts, I need Activities for myself. Im building my business. But Im sure that I do want to be more available for my kids (3yo and 1yo) than my own mom was, and Im fighting for it although it’s a big sacrifice for me to not have a conventional job and schedule – it’s not easy. I Have many opinions and pressure from others and from my husband. But I’m certain that my kids need me more than a few hrs in the evening.
This is my Personal experience and opinion. Perhaps many moms won’t agree with me, but I leave it to you of course to analyze all the comments and make the best decision for you and your child.
I also strongly recommend talking to a child therapist who can answer your questions about the impact of your lifestyle on your child, that would be the best to do as a professional advice will help you Think and feel better.
Wish you all the best!
Thank you for sharing. In my opinion, the fact that you are even wondering are you a good mother just shows how much you love your daughter and want the best for her. What we see on social media is not real. People share what they want other people to see and it is exaggerated. I don’t cry when my children turn a year older or get emotional when they reach milestones. We have a great bond and i love being their Mom but i also love time away from them. I do believe it is important to have a life outside of being a mom also. A lot of mothers Love to look the best but honestly, it’s Not always what it seems. Keep doing you, you are doing amazing.
I Think this is Perfectly normal.
I think comparing yourself with social media its one of the biggest mistakes to makes as a human, but as a mother… please Don’t. You are Worrying about your girls perception and im sure she feels loved. Additionally, its Important for our kids to see all kinds of love, not everyone is the same.
I didnt feel Certain things with my baby when in left her for the first time after giving birth with my mother in law or my husband and got asked by people if i felt a certain way, but not everyone is the same. You are doing just fine. Stop Comparing yourself with other people, remove that terrible feeling and enjoy your beautiful blessing.
Social media brings so much pressure To everyone and as mothers we should not fall for it as being a mum is already a hard job.
You got this!
You love your girl and im sure she loves you back.
I certainly think there are different types of moms and different levels of emotions that they have. When I first became a mom, I felt weird not crying when I saw my first child for the first time or at their first birthday party. I expected to since it seemed like what happened with everyone else. I would always see post or people talking about, how they couldn’t handle their child turning one or how emotional it made them. I felt weird thinking I was not “in love with my child“ enough. I love all my children deeply and beyond more than I can express. You do not have to feel over emotional to deeply love them. Your daughter sees a strong, caring mother, that has an amazing career. Also, please know that God bless you with that child and no one else would be a better mother for her.
Thank you for sharing! I think this shows how content you are in yourself. I think you are a very emotionally stronf mother inside. You are showing her love and care by your daily actions and interactions with her everyday. She loves you! And you love her! We each express it Differently. I think if someone is crying over an item of their childs, yes its cute. But there could be a significant underlying concern for that person. There’s too much attachment and dependency For that person to have placed their happiness on someone. Even if its your own child. Our children shouldnt be our golden ticket to life and fulfill our life. They are additions. They are little humans that we need to help raise to let them become their own person. We cant be too attached to them and they csnt be too attached to us. I think you loving your job and doing your own indivisual life while also having a child is normal. I look up to you and hope i can be the same way too. I think that is the healthy way to go