I was in an arranged marriage for almost 7 years. I was 19 at the time when I was introduced to him by my mother and we were both virgins coming into this.
We never met before. I was in America and he was in a Middle Eastern country. We met through Skype for the first time. We spoke to each other a few times for a month before our families decided that we should get married. So we did, over Skype with an imam (Muslim priest). He blessed our marriage under God, and we became husband and wife online. A couple of months later I flew overseas to see him in person for the first time and we celebrated our marriage together with family and friends.
I flew back to America and began the visa process for him (similar to the 90-day fiancé show). It took about a year for him to come to America. When all the paperwork was finalized, I assisted him in finding a job, attending school, and taught him English, among other things. I became a mentor and tour guide rather than a wife. Meanwhile, I still was not in love with him. Truth is, I never was. He was someone I wanted to help bring to America so he might have a better life than he had in the Middle East. So I did.
I emotionally cheated on him with someone that I fell in love with instantly for the first time. I never experienced that level of love or affection for my husband. I realized I was dissatisfied with our relationship and did not have feelings for him. I became bored in our marriage and felt like I needed to try something new to enhance our relationship. So, we had a child. It didn’t make things any better, and although it is something I do regret, I am forever grateful for my daughter in my life who is four years old now.
We were not able to work things out and eventually got divorced. We are currently co-parenting and he is still an excellent father. I nonetheless feel guilty about what I did, and I have apologized to him multiple times. Out of respect, I should have been honest with him about my feelings much earlier on in our marriage. However, because I was not allowed to date due to my Muslim religious background, I had no prior relationship to compare him to, we had no intimate life before our marriage and didn’t really know what we were doing.
I undoubtedly blame my mother for this, and I no longer speak with her because I am still deeply hurt and furious. It clearly does not concern her, as she continues to communicate with my ex and maintains a relationship with him. She still hopes we can reconcile since she doesn’t understand why the relationship failed and strongly believes at the moment that I am doomed for hell because I’m currently dating a white Christian man.
Speaking of my present relationship, it isn’t quite a fairytale right now either because I’m aware of the difficulties of being a single mother and dating, but I’m choosing to live the life that works best for my daughter and I. Nonetheless, these huge changes in my life at age 30 have been beyond challenging.
I used to ponder whether to return to my ex-husband (who, by the way, still wants me back). As a single mom, I was concerned about caring for my daughter alone, and I felt a lot of guilt about placing her in two different homes. However, I understood that being with my ex was not a life I wanted to live ever again.
I still feel guilty, fearful, and concerned about the future. Do I start planning for my daughter to go through intensive therapy in the future? Will I be able to comfortably date as a single mom? How do I deal with the guilt that I experience every day? I have no family support, and daycare is my only rescue. I’m not sure how else to phrase it, but I feel terribly lost and alone. I never thought this would be my reality and I’m not sure where to go from here, who to talk to, or why I am writing this. Maybe I just need someone to tell me “It’s all going to be okay”.
… but is it?
Signed – Anonymous SA
- My Monster-in-law Has No Boundaries - April 4, 2024
- My Parents are terrible Grandparents - March 31, 2024
- Keeping The Peace: Navigating Our Religious Nanny - March 26, 2024
10 comments
Sorry to say… but the truth is in order to enjoy your world affairs you are pushing yourself and your daughter to hell in the hereafter…. being a Muslim you should know better what does it means to be married… you left a pure soul … if you had a conversation with your husband about these things it would have been much easier for you to understand. .. hope you find a halal path for you and your daughter… insha Allah save her akhira atleast if not yours..!!!
Feeling Lonely can be so hard. You’re not alone Though, even in The Deepest and darkest moments when you Feel this way.
It’s really good that you took the step to reach out here.
Most Often, deep down you have The answer and You’ll find a few voices here that echo what your Instinct is telling you.
I am not muslim but i agree with a previous comment. Before everything, Take a moment to decide what you Believe in. What matters to you. If you wish to continue in Islam, convert to Christianity or turn to more free thinking spiritual Beliefs like some other commenters. This will help you decide on your values.
Once we have values, we can keep our Integrity and uphold those values, despite our feelings. Our feelings can Often change depending on our life circumstances but if we hold fast to a core set of values we know whatever we go through we wont stray far from the person we want to be or the person our faith requires us to be.
We all have free will and we all have choice so you have the absolute freedom to make a choice right now.
My advice, the first step, would be to forgive your mum. You might be grateful for that same grace from your own daughter one day.
No human on earth is perfect, we all make mistakes as there is no rule book to parenting. She tried her best from what she knows and it might not have been right for you but your forgiveness will not only give you long term peace (holding onto anger and bitterness Isn’t good for you), it will also set a good example for your daughter.
You mentioned your husband was a good father, was he a good man to you? I ask these questions because you spoke of another man who you felt immediate love for. There is always a risk of confusing lust for love. You Might have felt butterflies, sparks flying and a warm
Joyful feeling…
Speak to people around You who have been married longer than 20/30 years. Ask them if they still have that feeling.
Many will tell you, that fades. If you have a committed person with good values That can Transform into a deeper unconditional love that its mostly formed by believing in something Greater than you.
For example, i am married, i was lucky yo have the lust at the start also. After many years, and some trials and Tribulations, some awful things. The only thing That kept me in That Marriage was a commitment to my faith and values that Marriage is for life.
That Doesn’t make the walk easy, in fact its painful, hard at times, frustrating, You name it. But regardless of how we are feeling. We keep the commitment we made and work at it together.
Divorce is an option. Fighting it Together and Often coming out stronger on the other side is Often a lot more rewarding. I am experiencing a love now i Didn’t know was possible…it beats the butterflies.
You will make the right decision. Go to people who have experience and wisdom, please be careful of Advice from people Who are living in misery themselves, they will drag you along for the ride.
I am sending you so much love and pray you find peace and contentment.
First of all, I would like to commend you for being brave in sharing your story and being honest with what you feel. You are a strong mom and I believe that once you get what your heart truly desires it will surely passed on to your daughter. As a mom I know that you will not make any decisions that will harm you and your daughter. We can only give once we are full, make the best choices you know that will be best for you and your daughter everything else will follow. I pray that God will guide you and give you wisdom in everything you do. You are doing great and it will get bet with time. ♥️
Hi, I’m a 33 years old woman from Mexico, I’m not a religious person, but I do believe in a god and the universe. I want to tell you that you did well, you only live once so you deserve happiness in your life. Go to therapy, and follow your deeply instincts. Chose the life that you want, don’t let others, neither the religion, decide what do you want. It is better for you to teach your daughter to decide for her own happiness, her own religion. Everyone deserves to find and experience love, and that includes the freedom to decide. Don’t do to your daughter what your mother did to you
I simply want to say that please do not think and worry about what others think, what society thinks, what your daughter will think when she grows up and specially what the two people who have posted very negative comments here think … cause honestly one day none of this will matter
I read this somewhere and it seems true and gives so much perspective:
‘The day you die, your family and friends will cry a lot for a few hours.. in a few hours after the last rites people will get busy planning the food and drinks to be served… your work will post a job ad to find a replacement for you…those distinct uncles and aunts who are visiting for the last rites will start discussing current affairs and news… your family will receive calls from friends and family who could not make it cause they had some other important place to be…
A few days after, your kids will return to work as their bereavement leave will be over…everyone close to you will get back to their life and their routine… your kids, partner, parents will begin to smile and laugh again in about a months time…’ then why do we spend thinking what others will think, do things to please others, do things to fit in?’ Focus on your self and your happiness… meditate and ask your angels to show you the right path..when you are positive you will attract positivity and positive people towards you… everything will get better… you feel stuck i am sure.. but it’s just a phase.
You only get one life to live..so live it to the fullest… laugh a lot, be Happy and spread kindness And happiness ..
I really do feel for you. Your mother owed a responsibility to you. You deserve to be angry and mad. My own sisters have been arranged married so I know somewhat of the struggles. You do deserve to be happy. I validate your emotions. However. You need to ask yourself what are your values? Put your family aside. Seek help and reflect. What do you value and want? I am assuming you may be of the Muslim faith. If you are and you wish to practice Islam then I ought to remind you that marrying or dating a Christian man is not permitted. If this matters to you and your ex husband is someone that is willing to make it work with you. I suggest maybe give it another shot. You guys both got put in a bad situation thru elders that don’t know much about our society and lives today. Maybe you can recreate something with him. If not, and you are a Muslim woman than I suggest you search for a muslim man you are compatible with and want to build a life with. Your daughter will see safety and stability but I believe you need to attain some internal stability first as her mother and only then can you provide it for her. All the best sis.
Hi, its good that chose to be honest with your husband, though much later, but still you did it. If you were to prolong things, it might have affected your daughter,your ex and yourself much badly. At least for now, its good that you took this decision to be separated from him, so in this way you both are not hurting eachother, you both are adults and you both will get better with time. But your DAUGHTER, she is just 4 years old. Here is something that you did wrong, if you were not in love with him from the beginning, if you were not ready you should never have brought new life into this world, you just did it that it might save your marriage, you were being selfish then and you are being selfish now! Again you are thinking only about yourself and noone else. Your daughter didnt ask you to bring her into this world. You did it. And now you are scarring her for life. It doesnt matter how much therapy she’ll do. This what are you doing to her right now, all her future relations will be affected by it and she is just going to resent you like you resent your mother. I know maybe this isnt something you wanted to hear but this is the ugly truth and you need to face it sooner than later. Hope everything works out for you, in which you and your daughter both are happy and content with your lives. Best of luck.
How dare you say that to her! Don’t listen to this person, who has nothing but hate in their heart and has absolutely zERO authority to tell you your child’s future. My mother was a single mother and i do not resent her for my existence. All you can do is your best, show her love and date whomever you want. Be true to yourself and maybe talk to a therapist for your personal mental health. Your Daughter will see your love and compassion and will grow up to be a confident Independent person. Everything will be okay for both of you, i (a total complete stranger) am rooting for you! Take things one day at a time.
You will be ok. You will figure it out. Not right now, not tomorrow but in time it will start to balance itself out.
I was in a similar situation, my partner and I spilt when my little girl was 1. The pain, anger, frustration, everything that comes with being a single mum is over whelming. It’s taken 2 years for me to start feeling, I wouldn’t say myself because I don’t think I’ll ever be the same women I was before I had my daughter but I don’t feel as lost anymore, I’m not mad that my daughter doesn’t have what is classed as a “home”. I just put her and myself first in every situation. I haven’t really figured out being a single mum and dating. I don’t know how people find the time haha. But everything will be fine.
I have never been through Anything like this, but I’m glad you don’t blame yourself because you shouldn’t. You had nothing to compare against and when you’re that young you only have to go on what you’re taught and are forced to think mother knows best. I think children know from a young age if their parents aren’t happy. As someone whose Parents divorced at 8, it was for the better and i could see that even then. You should focus on your own happiness and be a shining example to your daughter for what a strong, independent woman looks like. If you’d want your daughter to choose herself in the same situation, you need to model it now because she is watching you.