This article is from 2018. We believe some moms may find this helpful at this very moment.
I hated breastfeeding.
There. I said it!!
When my triplets were born I experienced some complications and nearly lost my life. My Doctor told me I would likely not be able to breastfeed, but miraculously my body produced enough milk for all 3 babies. It was such a miracle and I was so proud of my body for functioning the way it was supposed to. I came to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) everyday with milk that I pumped the night before and I would take turns nursing the triplets hoping to experience “the bond” I often heard about.
When we finally came home with our babies, I pumped exclusively.
The triplets all had GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease), which made feeding stressful because each baby needed individual attention. Pumping didn’t help as it gets exhausting but I kept telling myself I needed to do this for my babies. I felt like I would be failing them (and myself) otherwise. A “friend” even told me that “formula is poison.” What a disappointment I would be if I chose to stop.
The weeks continued to go by and I was in a fog. I knew I wasn’t myself. I started to despise breastfeeding and even felt jealous of my husband as he laid in bed while I stuck a machine to my boobs.
There was such a tug-a-war in my heart. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed because I didn’t want to breastfeed anymore. Guilt can ruin you.
When the babies were 3 months old I finally saw my Doctor to seek help for my postpartum anxiety and depression. It was one of the hardest steps, but the best thing I could have done for myself. I needed help. I was exhausted, in a depression, just not my normal self. The very first thing she suggested was to stop breastfeeding. She even wrote me a prescription that said: “stop breastfeeding.” I felt like she gave me permission to stop.
So I did.
If you take anything from this, take this:
Fed is best. Breastfed. Formula-fed. It doesn’t matter. Either way, you’re an amazing mom. Surround yourself with people who will support you because you need that, especially as a Mom. Ultimately, we are all working hard to raise good humans, so let’s stand together Mama’s, and support each other. ❤️@theperfectmom
- Confessions of An Anxious Mama: I Hated Breastfeeding - May 7, 2018
- Hope Wounds – A Mama’s Postpartum Experience - April 6, 2018
