Loving your in-laws genuinely and keeping the peace with them is certainly the go-to way because love is the greatest thing on earth. After all, it’s what’s brought you together with your spouse, right? However, this in-law relationship can sometimes be strained due to legitimate reasons. Mothers-in-laws, especially, have a global reputation in this regard.
Often, this strain may be due to misunderstandings which tend to be swept under the carpet, even though it may not be forgotten so soon. However, what do you do when the animosity is due to something more permanent like your parenting style? It is easy to deal with a one-time occurrence like the drama at Thanksgiving or your absence at the last Christmas dinner. But how do you fix a continuous interference with your choice to feed your baby formula alongside breast milk – or why your 6-year old is a vegan just like yourself (even though you didn’t push that agenda)?
Parenting styles are not just random decisions we come upon. They’re most often products of age-long beliefs and habits, psychological constructs (like mindsets), orientations and personal experiences. This standard forms the basis for how we choose to raise our children, the most preferred methods for instilling our most important values into them.
Psychologists and researchers categorize four broad parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved. Individual personality traits may determine which of these parenting methods a person may choose to follow. Generational differences may also impact on people’s choices. Therefore, it is not uncommon to find that many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law approve styles that are absolute opposites.
As a result, as a daughter-in-law, you may get unsolicited advice, subtle reprimands, and on some occasions, outright criticism. When this happens, here’s what you should do:
1. Be understanding: Tolerance should be both the first and last port of call in our relationships with people in general. Recognize your mother-in-law’s limitations and humanity. The chances are that, put in her position, you may also come off as ‘overbearing’ too. See her genuine desire to help nurture her grandchild and acknowledge her interest and her wisdom. Being grateful for this can ward off the chances of unwarranted confrontation in first-time scenarios.
2. Speak up respectfully: While it may be tempting to let incidents of criticism slide, let it not be due to cowering silence. If you’re going to be silent about it, don’t be guided by fear of what she’ll say or how you think she’ll react. Besides, you won’t know her reaction until you table the matter before her. Biting your tongue may seem appropriate in the moment but in the long run, it is not the wisest decision. Speaking up helps to register your reservations especially when the issue at hand is a repeated one. However, your choice of words is as important as your manner of expression. Tactfulness will keep you from going off course when communicating your grievances.
3. Be slow to anger: A brash, on-the-spot response may sound like a good payback, especially for the unrepentant mom-in-law, but it is not the most prudent. Taking a while to cool-off will help you refrain from saying things you’d wish you never said long after the incident. Who knows, you may even find a bit of good in the advice being offered? Besides, a compulsion to defend your choices may come across as a need for justification. Resist that, and instead, be open to understanding their perspective.
4. Tell her to let you make your ‘mistakes’: What constitutes right and wrong change across generations; but getting yours to understand your preferred parenting style can come from something this simple: “I appreciate your help *insert her name here* (or however you address her), for being a loving and doting grandmother, but on this *insert specific issue of contention*, I’d love to try something different. *insert your proposition*. I want to enjoy this motherhood journey and have a wholesome experience every step of the way!’ Not only can this earn you her respect but it also presents your argument without sounding antagonistic.
5. Have your spouse step in: If you don’t want to initiate a direct conversation – most especially in volatile situations or where there have been altercations previously, speak with your spouse and express your feelings as calmly as possible. You don’t want to come across as being defensive or disregarding your mother-in-law’s input to the welfare of her grandchildren. The goal is not to get on the contender’s side with your husband’s mom.
Except you have good reason to believe otherwise, love is almost always the driving factor for the actions of a grandmother who thinks things can be done differently. Healthy conversations and working towards a compromise can help you navigate the challenges of parental interference. Remember that ultimately, the final decision about your kids rests with you. Cheers to parenting!
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5 comments
Very helpful article. I think we need to Understand the Intentions of MIL but also we need to speak out for Ourselves if we dont agree with Something. You may going to hear a lot advice for the first child but by the second child If you speak out for Yourself since the first one MIL will Understand and respect Your Parenting. That’s what Happened with me.
My mil does not love me or my child. She just Pretends in my husband presence. I wish i had a better mil to be honest. I’m Jealous of my friends who have great mil while i got Sh*t.
Great article.
I get that alot of people hate their inlaws But sometimes we dont give them a chance or understand its maybe from a place of love like you said. Thank you for this.
I really love the advice here and ill be trying out no. 4 with my MiL. She’s An ass but I think this would work